Not much has been going on the past few days. In fact I’ve been pulling some 12-14 sleep sessions. Today I was able to clean my room though and its especially enlivening on my mind. — Also, my friend Noah (or should I say former friend) has told me that he minds me lounging AFK in his virtual space in a virtual world (Its hard to explain). He says its as if finding someone in his house and his virtual space is very private and he is a very private person. I understand the space concept because I’ve been one to tell people I need space but he has a whole island. It’s a huge virtual space. I sit on this rock faraway only because it was relaxing while I AFK (Away From Keyboard) in-world (secondlife.com) while checking the web and playing some Java games. — My first reaction to him telling me his need for privacy is rejection and I tell him if I’m not welcome on his land he’s not welcome in my life. Which is over the top and I kind of regret it but I am so used to people (especially men) me I really thought I was saving myself the future pain. Even though five minutes later I thought my actions were completely stupid. I could have said I understood his need for space and consciously phased myself out instead and taking a mental hammer and nailing the door shut.
Either way, this is another addition to my formidable wall of shadows I keep accumulating. Shadows being my looming, haunting regrets of the past. — I always have flashes of headaches recalling bad memories. I wish I had amnesia.
Im 23 years old turning 24 this year and I have been depressed for almost ten years. Ive had my severe lows and my severe highs. Only once when I was 16 did I try to hurt myself by downing pills and ended up in a Psychiatric Ward for a week. — My life was at a high at age 17-21 where I worked at a gift shop owned by two women but after the shops closed and they moved to Florida my life spiraled down. I had another nice job in a health food store where I drowned myself in work but that only lasted a year and everything has been a rollercoaster dive since then. That was two years ago.
I started an online business making virtual goods and I get just enough money for food and to buy things I like. I live at home with my mother so I am rent free. I want to study but when I tried to go back to school again I get severe social anxiety. Where I would smile and socialize to people but I am really screaming inside. Eventually I became fickle with my studies and retail jobs that came along the way. — I hermit at home and hardly go out at all. Im nocturnal and I used to sleep 12-14 hour days just so I wouldnt have to face reality. Ive pushed all my friends away because I convinced myself they wouldnt understand what im going through. Or those that would understand I dont want to burden by my black clouds so Im hiding until I get better. But Ive been hiding for a long time and my friends just think I am a terrible friend.
I know what to do and yet I dont know what to do. I know I have to clean my room and do laundry and create art and beautiful things but inspiration and motivation just escapes me. I know I should seek out a therapist and medication but with all the cliches of $350/hr shrinks out there I dont know how or where to take the leap or have the stamine to take initiative.
Im wondering how I can find free or close to free therapy? I dont have a big income so I guess I could get insurance to cover a shrink. I could start there.
Nothing quite exciting happened on Thursday. I did finish ‘The curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ by Mark Haddon. The book was like butter. It absorbed me every page of the way. Very inspirational with hidden morals. — The book is about a boy named Christopher with autism who plays detective work to solve the mystery of his neighbors murdered dog. I can relate to Christopher on many levels and I envy the way he is unable to interpret emotion. Sometimes I think emotion is the weakest part of us as human beings.
Today I bought a new book called ‘I was told there’d be cake’ by Sloane Crosley. The cover reference compares her essay writings to Sedaris and she is a NYer and the first chapter is about her stash of plastic pony figurines under her sink. All these factors encouraged my purchase. Chapter 2 is about her being Jewish and I couldn’t relate much there but I’m sure the book will get more interesting. A part of me is stubborn to read on because she is a straight woman and I am more open to read about the lives of young men or gay men.
On my way to the bookstore there was a crowd lining up around E.87th St and 2nd Ave. I didn’t think anything of it. They had barricades and people gathered as if a small parade was coming. The only thing that came to mind was the Pope since the previous night all news channels were spammed of the same footage of the Pope in a car arriving somewhere in the city but I didnt let the thought stick because I wasn’t interested in the Pope. When I had finished purchasing my book and started heading back home the crowd had become more thick and I was intent on crossing the street. Some people ahead of me made it to the other side but a pretty black police-woman pushed me back at the edge of the sidewalk and said I could not cross. I asked her what was going on and she said it was the Pope. The lady next to me with a baby carriage went on and on about her late manicure to the police-woman. Another snobby Manhattanite lady was yelling at a male police officer close by, too, asking for his last name because she was so upset she couldn’t cross the street. He gave her his police identification number too just for kicks, and I couldnt help but laugh out loud.
It wasnt more than five minutes before two dozen police men on motorcycles started coming down the street. Some men across the street started chanting “GIVE ME A ‘P’! GIVE ME AN ‘O’! GIVE ME A ‘P’! GIVE ME AN ‘E’! Whats that spell?! P-O-P-E!” and I thought that was hillarious they were treating the Popes arrival like some football game.
Finally behind the police motorcycles was a black van where the Pope must have been and everyone sighed in excitement. But I didnt notice, I was too into watching the cars behind wondering if the Pope was on some cheesy ornate float. His passing mustve lasted less than a few seconds and the crowd dispersed just as quickly. Everyone had their cameras and I even saw a man with a giant cardboard full of Pope memorabilia buttons. I thought this man mustve been the one who started the chant to help sell his pin buttons. – I really dont see the big deal. I think the Pope is only a man who masturbated when he was a teenager. Then I thought he is just like Gandhi or the Dahli Lama. Just a figure head of religion. A man that lives as a symbol to represent God.
Here at home I am not doing much. Just pretending to be busy and submitting to all my bad ritualistic habits. I use my computer so much the color has faded on certain parts of my mouse due to the constance and heat of my fingers. I tape a piece of tissue to the tip of my right hand ring finger because its my clicking finger and it hurts from overuse.– Ever day I drink atleast three MONSTER energy drinks that I rely on for high bursts of caffeine sessions that usually last about 4-5 hours each. I drink so much of it my shit is green like the color of the drink and the bottle.
Filed under: life
Today wasn’t very exciting. I woke up at around 2pm indulging in my dreams as usual. I watched some television and played a little RFO. When it hit 4pm I ritualistically went outside to pick up the mail and buy dinner. Except since my step-father bought so much groceries yesterday I only bought things for myself.
I bought 3 cans of MONSTER energy drink. That stuff is like my drugs. I bought a package of black Twizzlers and a Milky Way bar. I also read a bit of my Haddon book and have read through 70 pages. The book is only 220 pages so it will be a quick read. Which should mean I should go back for that Sedaris book I had my eye on.
I’m trying to stay on a diet, but once I get hungry its hard to resist the temptation of my refrigerator. Last week I had a bank problem so I stocked up on 4/$1.00 ramen packets so I wouldn’t go hungry and promised myself to grind on some work. However today my money came through so I’m comfortable again and decided to treat myself to those snacks and energy drugs I mentioned.
Well, thats about it. Ciao.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Being a no life takes a lot of effort. Since my mother was hospitalized yesterday I had to find activities outside my house to occupy myself with. I felt slummy, I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and picked some random clothes on my floor pile I call my wardrobe then headed out.
I started for Central Park. There is a conservatory garden near my house and I spend maybe an hour and a half there reading. After that I headed to a nearby train station thinking perhaps I can kill four hours by train hopping and reading more. — I decided to go to Barnes & Noble on Astor place to get a new David Sedaris book since the one I was reading was almost done, but to my surprise they had closed it down on Astor place. So I started heading to the Barnes & Noble at Union Square but ended up in Strand Bookstore, where after a long while I ended up buying ‘the curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ by Mark Haddon instead of a Sedaris book.
I went back to Astor place to a Starbucks where I had a tall (small) black coffee where I spent an hour finishing the book ‘Naked’ by Sedaris. I flipped some inside Haddons book but got distracted by the sunshine and decided to make my way, as I usually do, ritualistically toward Chinatown. At Chinatown I had a sandwhich, some juice and some peanuts then I headed to the Arcade. I usually play Street Fighter but today wasnt too exciting since no one played me.
By the time I got home my mother was snug snoring. A few moments later my step-father came to visit with a load of groceries. Before I left the house this morning my mother had been arguing with him on the phone. He probably came over in the afternoon partly because of a guilt trip and partly because my mothers high blood pressure is due to him not living with us anymore.
I passed out for four hours while they were cooking because I only got three and a half hours of sleep the night before. Most of the time I sleep through to 1pm or 2pm. Even though I have enough energy my dreams are just very comfortable. I usually wake up when my head hurts enough or the warm weather outside causes me discomfort.
Filed under: Uncategorized
A man just called saying he is with my mother and that her blood pressure is so high she could have a stroke. So he is bringing her to the hospital. I have a flash of images rush to my mind about my mother being helpless.
I bought one of those large KFC chicken buckets and a box of french fries for the two of us thinking of how happy she would be about it. The only thing that was running through my mind was, “But she can’t die she hasn’t eaten her fried chicken yet.”
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My mother ended up being fine. Her doctor ushered her into an ambulance after he deemed her blood pressure too high. So we sat in the ER with her as she bathed in the attention. My step-dad, his daughter, my mother and myself. — We spent most of the time waiting my mothers turn for medical care. Ed and his daughter left at almost midnight and we left an hour after. I’m glad everything was ok.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Ive been sliding down the slope of life again by staying comfortable with my old habits.
Spring is kind of refreshing. The warm weather and sunshine making me feel nostalgic from happier days.
My mind feels cluttered and I’m trying to unconciously cleanse it by eradicating negative thoughts and images of the past that constantly haunt me.
